What’s Next?

Well, here we are, still deep in the pandemic and most places I look, it’s business as usual. I get it, everyone is in a different place when it comes to COVID-19. but the parallels between what I am going through and what I went through with cancer are too similar and it is a difficult balancing act.

Flashback
Once a round, of too many to count chemos or blood transfusions, finished and we waited on numbers and I was either allowed or not allowed to go back into the world. It feels the same now, things are open, rules are varied and people have expectations, but what if I am still not ready? What if the cancer, Covid-19, comes back. But the reality is, both times I relapsed, the cancer never went away and Covid-19 hasn’t either. And so far, trauma hasn’t either.

There is so much news, so much unsettling news, so many break through infections, so many not getting vaccinated, (who can), so many unknowns. It’s infuriating, I’ve tried to do everything I can, stayed home, stayed away from loved ones, wore my mask, got vaccinated and still, we are here.

I thank cancer, what I went through, as hard as it was, for who I am now and for what I know now. Maybe I helped saves lives of people I don’t even know, maybe even my own. But now, cases are on the rise again for what seems like the thousandth time and all we can do it try to do our best and make sense of what we are faced with everyday.

Until then, to the unvaccinated by choice: I hope you never see trauma like I have with my cancer, I hope you never stop and sit down mid-way up a flight of stairs because tumors have made it so hard to breath, I hope you never miss out on daily life because of feeling so weak, tired and like nothing at the same time, I hope your loved ones are never told, “call your local funeral home and make arrangements, there is nothing else we can do”, I hope you never suffer from feeling so sick you wonder if death is better, I hope you never have to donate your own stem cells to save your own life, I hope you never feel the burn of radiation and chemo effects that make it impossible to even walk down a hall or take in a deep breathe, I hope you never experience any of these terrible traumas, but I do hope you will get vaccinated.
(Questions are normal, call a professional, reach out & ask)

When I feel this anxious and disillusioned by how people won’t follow science, support loved ones or see what is going on in the world beyond themselves, I get in the kitchen and luckily today a backyard garden as well.
The end of summer brings so many emotions for me and now paired with magical herbs and garden gems that I was inspired to get a little creative.

Tonight I introduced some left over corn to backyard tomatoes and basil, with a pinch of salt and dash of balsamic, sautéed up shishitos in olive oil and stuffed local poblanos with store bought vegan queso and salsa. The fresh flavors helped me to breath and remember, I can only control what I can and nature has a way of healing.

Getting in the kitchen is always helpful, even with anxious thoughts, it has a way of making sense of the senseless.