Beginning of a Potential End….

I started this post two weeks after I got my first COVID-19 vaccine, but work and stress got in the way and now it is almost a week after my second dose and it feels even more poignant to write this.

The vaccine process was very smooth, I love being around nurses, so I felt right at home. It wasn’t the pain, side effects or overall tiredness that got me down, it was the PTSD of cancer memories that got me thinking.

I can’t nap or rest, I am either awake or asleep and I have realized this is because being in bed in the middle of the day or early evening reminds me of having cancer and being sick. I have struggled with COVID anxiety so much because of these flashbacks. I am not one to say I am stuck at home, I feel lucky and blessed to be safe at home, yet it does trigger many experiences I went through when I was sick.

I recently came across one of the articles, Pinstripes Push Patient by Mike Lupica, that was written about myself and the Yankees during my cancer journey and I am seeing so many similarities to what I am going through now. I made a hand made pillow then, I knit now, I had a calendar of inside events by my hospital bed, I now keep a full virtual schedule, the list goes on and on.
Although I know all this, I surprised myself to see how I respond when it comes to trauma, I need to keep busy.

Cooking is the only thing I didn’t connect to when I was sick because of the lack of appetite and overall feeling of nausea and crappiness, but during the 2020/2021 type of isolation and quarantine, cooking is what I look forward to most.

Do I love cooking so much because I love food, because it keeps me busy, because I know what happens next, pushes away anxiety or all of the above? On the eve of my 365 day anniversary of staying home, I want to share what has kept me focused and helped with my anxiety…. Flour

Let’s start with bagels: here is a recipe I have been following over the last few months and it brings me so much joy, I can’t even explain. Easy Homemade Bagels, not my recipe, but I do use oat milk instead and a variety of toppings. *Pictures are my own:)

So what is the point of this post? I hope it gets you thinking about finding a silver lining, making lemonade out of lemons, or whatever your favorite phrase is. When my path takes a turn or life changes without warning, I have learned to pivot and so far, I am happy with the change. I still fear the unknown, but I do know, that I am not in control of that, but I am in control of what seasoning I put on my bagels.